Here is a brief summary of my life to date...

 There's so much more i could write but Rome wasn't built in a day... so i'll leave writing a book for another time...

 

I was 'privately' adopted at birth (unregulated, not via social services or government organisations), taken into a 'family' of extreme child abuse, neglect, cult members, sex trafficked, returned home, only to be abused and false imprisoned by my parents. 

 Im not sure at what stage the brain damage happened, but i do recall being suffocated by the hands of my pedophile father.

 My mother turned a blind eye to the abuse, I saw her as weak and a bad mother... she was financially dependant on him as he always presented as her carer when having benefit reviews that entitled her to income for having complex mental illness (Psycosis and bipolar)

 By the time i started primary school, i was broken, confused, dysfunctional and mute.

 My anxiety was so high i could not function on a social level, but i was ok at education. Teachers did not think my extreme shyness was a cause for concern and so i was left in my imprisoned silence. 

 Luckily, i did have a friend who lived near my street, but she was 2 years younger than me. In school I reached year 4 before even having a friend and thank God i wasnt alone anymore. 

 I still felt pain and sorrow deep down, because i received no love within the home. 

During school holidays i would see my friends and cousins.

 If my big sister came to stay she would take me out with her.

 My sister sadly died in a car crash when she was 14 and I 8. I was heart broken, the pain was immense. 

 

 **We moved house and i had an incident of severe memory loss, i dont know if it was trauma or brain damage or dissociative disorder or a combination. 

 I did not recall any of my life and did not get the memories back until years later..In.my 30s.. 

 

 High school saw me make 3 new friends. I lost one (I was stupid and projected my pain and hostility and ended up losing her) and after that my other friend who I'd been close to for 2 years, started psychologically bullying me. The other friend also became a bitch, joining in with some of it, belittling me and I had a breakdown and became even more withdrawn, unhappy and alone... 

 It broke me because we were close and intially good friends, like sisters but that all changed..

 High school ended and i locked myself away depressed. My father then had a car accident and returned home very angry, hostile and psychologically abusive. 

 **I was shocked because since losing my memory I did not recall the evil that lived among me.

 I was driven to the edge, feeling desperatley suicidal but with no easy way out... 

 I got in touch with my cousins and luck came on me, I moved in with one.

 I left the hell but had to keep contact with the monsters for the sake of my younger brother, who was 14 at the time. 

 Growing up, he was a nightmare, jekyll and hyde. I did what i could to protect him but ultimately the memory loss meant i was no longer aware of the dangers lurking within our home. 

 Im sure he must have experienced some sexual abuse also, based on his behavioural problems and hostility towards me. I always accepted it because i felt responsable for him due to our shit parents. 

 I didn't see him much for a few years, he was always out with his mates.

 

After escaping hell, 

I would binge drink on the weekends in pubs and bars with ny cousins.

 The alcohol took away my anxiety and gave me a new sense of self, happy, a warm feeling and able to speak to people and have fun and a laugh. 

 My cousins got boyfriends and no longer wanted to live the bar scene. I was left stuck, boyfriendless and lost.

 After living in a homeless shelter, i got my own flat. I tried to reconnect with my brother but he was always hung over at the weekends... 

 I presumed that he would have outgrown his immaturity and hostile attitude towards me, but i was wrong. 

 

 **I no longer accept this miss-treatment - I dont deserve it. And he doesnt deserve such a kind- loving and forgiving sister, he will never change. He is definately a narcissist.

 I had to be totally sure, before i cut the toxic prat off,... I should of done this years ago. 

 I wasted myself with concern, unrecipicated love and a sense of responsibility. It was never appreciated. 

 

 I worked in hostels and with victims of forced labour. I eventually burnt out due to untreated and undiagnosed bipolar. 

 Lockdown hit, i turned to watching TBN and this motivated me to read the bible.

 I battled with mental health services who were slow to respond to my illness but eventually after a few years I recieved a theraputic dose of mood stablisers.

 Trauma, abusers, brain damage and illness have stolen my life, I thought i couldnt get it back..

But i have truly found faith in God, Jesus and the hope for love, everlasting life in peace. 

 I am still internally frustrated with my current life and feel spiritually stuck, but I have to keep going, its the only way. 

 My extended family are not in my life because they did not warm to me as a child when I was withdrawn, mute, even though i'd clearly been through something horrific... there was never any love from them..

 I like reading proverbs because of the justice God will bring against unloving, stone hearted people. 

 I may have been a strange child/teenager but I didnt deserve the smirks and coldness

 And no doubt 2 facedness from these animals.

 

Present Day

 I am currently a practising christian, I have bible studies and personally reading the bible a secnd time. This keeps me strong and hopefull. 

 I am gaining new skills at college in joinery. I have a good gym routine as I need to lose weight from when my lifestyle was bad. (Car, drivethru takeaways)

 I wish I had the opportunity to pursue a real career and study at university but my brain damage and limited capability both with memory and socially puts a barrier to that. 

 I feel frustrated and just want to be normal, function like the average person..

 I would have striven for more in life, if i'd of had the same opportunities that everyone else does... 

 The art group reduces isolation, but again my memory and communication is limited and I can't build real friendships with people, they just dont understand and we don't connect on a deeper level... 

 I patiently wait for my 'next life' as I call it,.. were my mind and soul is completely fixed and I truly have freewill to make life what I want it to be... 

 I still have episodes of mental ill health including severe dissociation. Writing 'Emo' style when going through this seems to help ease the suffering but I fear the words are too dark for the average mind..

 

 

 text.https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/dissociation-and-dissociative-disorders/dissociative-disorders/

Dissociative amnesia with fugue

You may experience amnesia, which means you don't remember what happens when another part of your identity is in control.

You might experience a state of mind where you forget everything about who you are (a fugue)

Dissociative identity disorder (DID)

If you have dissociative identity disorder you will experience intense changes in your identity. You may feel like different aspects (states) of your identity are in control of your behaviour and thoughts at different times. This can happen in various ways:

Each of your identity states may have different patterns of thinking and relating to the world.

Your identity states may come across as different ages and genders.

You may feel you have one 'main' part of your identity that feels most like 'you'. Some people call this a host identity.

The different parts of your identity may have memories or experiences that conflict with each other.

Some people refer to these different parts of your identity as alters or parts, and to all the parts together as a system.

You might not feel like you have control over when different parts of your identity take over.

You may experience amnesia, which means you don't remember what happens when another part of your identity is in control.

You might experience a state of mind where you forget everything about who you are (a fugue)